How to Save a Life
by Adayinthelife203
Summary: If Cam's sister would've moved to Degrassi with him, what would life have been like? Just a few days before the suicide, and I apologize for the way it looks. I'm doing this from my iPad and it's a lot different than typing it on a computer :P
1. How Could He?

**I sat in my room and looked up at the white ceiling dreading the next day. Monday. Especially because of the fact I had just been home and seen my family and old friends and slept in my own bed. And now break was over. **

**A knock on my door stirred me from my thoughts and I looked up to see Cam standing in my door way. **

**"Come on in brother, is everything okay?" I asked with concern. **

**"Jaydon, everything's fine, can't I just come over and talk with my little sister?" He asked with a weak grin. **

**Considering Campbell was not only my brother, but my best friend I knew something was wrong. But with a response like that, he just wanted to get his mind off of things. **

**"How's Maya?" I asked as he sat down on the end of my bed. **

**"Oh, she's good," He said with a shrug. "How are you holding up? We've been at Degrassi for how long now? And I still haven't seen you hang out with anyone."**

**"What can I say, I'm a lone wolf." I said with a shrug. **

**He gave me a look that said he knew better and my shoulders sagged with defeat. "I just don't know how to trust anyone there. I've talked to a few people. And I mean me and Maya are friends I think?" I said, as if I were asking him. **

**He gave me a small smile and turned to look directly at me, "She considers you a good friend," he said reassuringly. "But I just think you should branch out and make more. I'm worried about you young one," he said using my nick name from when we were five and six. He always liked to point out that he was older. **

**It made me smile. **

**I could still see the distress in his eyes, but I didn't say anything. We sat in silence and then I looked at the clock. **

**"It's past midnight, we should both go to bed." I suggested. **

**"You're right, sleep tight," he said tussling my hair with a grin. I laughed and then watched him walk out of my room. **

**The mom of the family Cam and I were staying with dropped me off just as soon as the Ice Hounds bus pulled up to Degrassi. **

**I waited for Cam to get off the bus and started walking next to him. "How was hockey practice?" I asked with a grin. **

**He glared at me jokingly and I laughed. Just then a small blonde with glasses bound down the steps and I smiled as Maya jumped into Cam's arms. **

**"I missed you like crazy!" She said with a smile to him. **

**I acknowledged the fact they hadn't seen each other for a week and waved to them before I made my way up the stairs. **

**I noticed a figure a lot bigger then my own walking next to me and it tapped me on the shoulder. "Yes, Dallas?"**

**"Can you talk to your brother? He doesn't seem like himself, and he really needs to get his head in the game." Dallas asked following me to my locker. **

**"Maybe you should ask the captain of the hockey team to do it himself," I said looking up only to give him a sarcastic look to match my tone. **

**He shook his head and leaned against the lockers next to mine. "You know little Saunders, I missed having games cause I missed seeing your happy face and bright personality," he retaliated back. **

**"It's what I do Dallas, I'm just a big ball of sunshine," I grinned as I closed my locker. "Now if we're done here, I have to get to class,"**

**"Please, don't let me stop you," he said as he extended his arms and gestured for me to go. **

**As I started walking away he called me, "By the way little Saunders," I turned back around and he threw a red bandana at me. "You're on my team for spirit week. Doesn't that just brighten up your day?"**

**I rolled my eyes and stuck my tongue out at him and heard him laugh as I walked away. **

**As the first event for spirit week was about to start I held the hockey stick and looked around at me team. It seemed a bit unfair that Dallas and Cam were on the same team. **

**As everyone was getting ready to start I was looking down, not being one for sports. I heard the whistle blow and looked up just in time to see Cam punch Zig. **

**All hell broke loose and I ran to my brother and tried to help hold him back, but in all reality it was just Dallas holding him. **

**"What is wrong with you?" I asked him just before Principal Simpson directed Maya, Zig, Cam, Dallas, and myself to his office. **

**I stood in the back and watched everyone duke it out, but I didn't say a word. I wasn't even asked. **

**Cam got suspended for a week. **

**As he walked out of the office I followed him and pulled his arm. "What is wrong with you?" I asked, a bit disappointed at his lack of self control. **

**"It's nothing Jaydon," he said. **

**As he was walking away I saw Mike Dallas on a storm path after him and as he started yelling at Cam I just walked away hanging my head. **

**That night I sat in my bedroom, I was waiting for Cam to come home so I could talk to him. **

**He was acting weird lately and I couldn't put my finger on it. **

**I waited so long, and as the clock read 11:47 I finally texted him. **

**'Cam, where are you?'**

**I waited for five minutes until he finally responded. **

**'Maya's'**

**I sighed and laid down pulling the blankets all the way to my chin. **

**"I'm sure he's telling Maya about his problems... But I'm always the one he goes to," I murmured out loud quietly. **

**The next day after school I walked into Cam's room and brought him his books. "Day One," I said in a jokingly deep voice as I put his books down and went and pulled the covers off his face.**

**His eyes were red and puffy as he looked up at me. He sat up and I pulled him into a hug and he cried into my shoulder. **

**"Cam, what is it?" I asked softly rubbing his back. **

**He didn't respond. He just sobbed into my shoulder. Finally the crying subsided and he looked at me. For the first time in my life he stopped trying to be strong for me. **

**"I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up," he whispered to me. He laid down and he looked so young with the covers pulled to his chin. I wiped the tears from his eyes and shrugged. **

**"I do too sometimes, but life goes on. If this is about yesterday, that was your choice. It was a wrong one, but people make mistakes and they move on." I said as I stood up. **

**"You'll be okay big brother, I promise," I said and I grabbed his hand. **

**He squeezed my hand tightly and I gave him a weak smile, and walked out of his room. **

**That night I heard footsteps go down the stairs and I peeked out of my door and saw Cam making his way down, trying to be sneaky. I chuckled and shook my head. **

**'That boy is crazy about Maya, but if he keeps going over there this late he's going to get in trouble eventually.' I thought to myself. **

**The next morning I got dropped off in front of Degrassi the same time the ice hounds bus pulled up and I waited for Cam. Dallas was the last person off. **

**"Hey, where's Cam? Isn't he gonna take the bus back home?" I asked. **

**"No, he bailed on practice this morning. Not all of us can be superstars," he said with an angry hint in his voice. **

**Just then a cop car passed by and stopped and the green house and my stomach lurched as I started to worry about Cam. **

**I made my way up the stairs and figured he'd arrive with Maya and catch the bus back home then. The worry resolved and I opened my locker with an empty mind, just thinking if I had done everything for that day. **

**"Jaydon, you're needed in Principal Simpsons office," My English teacher said from what seemed like out of no where. I closed my locker and he was there and I shrugged. **

**"Why?" I asked curiously. **

**"Just, go... Please," he said and with that he walked away. **

**I made my way to Simpsons office and I could see the distress in his eyes. That was one thing I was good at. Telling when people weren't okay. **

**"You wanted to see me sir?" I asked setting my books on the floor. **

**"Jaydon, your family and the family you're staying with has just been notified... Your brother, Cam, committed suicide sometime in the greenhouse last night," he said. **

**I shook my head and suddenly I couldn't hear what he was saying. It's like I was underwater, my breathing felt sharp. **

**My best friend, my brother, the reason I had moved to Degrassi. He was gone. **

**"But-" I said in the middle of some woman's talking. She was standing there the whole time. I think. I don't remember. **

**"Yes?" She asked gently. **

**"He can't be gone," I said quietly. **

**She took my hand in hers, she felt warm. **

**"Grief is handled in different ways, and this is going to be extremely hard for you, but there will be councilors here for you to talk to constantly," she said. "The most important thing you can do is talk."**

**I nodded and stood up and looked in Principal Simpsons eyes. **

**"Jaydon, you can go home if you want," he said gently. **

**I shook my head and picked up my books. **

**"I have to get to English sir," I said quietly as a tear fell from my eye. I turned and started walking but before I reached the door I turned to him and asked quietly, "Who found him?"**

**He hesitated and shook his head, "I don't think I can say-"**

**"Sir, please," I said with desperation in my voice. **

**"Eli Goldsworthy," he said with a nod. **

**"Where is he?"**

**"He's in his history class. Room 211," he said quietly. **

**I made my way there and sat on the ground outside the door. The halls were empty and I found this spot on the floor that was discolored from the rest and I stared at it for at least 45 minutes. My head was empty, and I couldn't think about anything except for seeing Cam walk down those stairs last night. **

**The bell rang but I didn't move, the world just moved around me. I felt a body slide down and sit next to me. I finally pulled my eyes away from the spot on the floor to see Eli Goldsworthy. **

**I looked into the eyes of this boy I had never spoken a word to in my life, but I had heard of him. He knew I was Cam's sister. **

**Suddenly I started sobbing and he pulled me into a hug. The people in the halls started looking at us, and I wasn't sure if they knew or not, but I didn't care. **

**Eli stroked my hair and suddenly I heard the people around us go to class. I didn't stop sobbing though. I cried for what seemed like a life time but when I pulled my face from Eli's shoulder I looked at the clock and it had been 20 minutes. I sniffled and looked at the wet spot on his shoulder and it looked like he had been sprayed with a hose there. **

**"Sorry," I whispered. **

**"It's fine," he said shaking his head and shrugging. When I went to lean against the wall there was a body to my left. **

**"Did they tell you?" I asked. **

**"10 minutes ago," Mike Dallas' voice responded, sounding weak for the first time ever. **

**I looked over at him and his face was distraught. **

**I looked over at Eli and he was expressionless. **

**The air that hung over us seemed stale and it tasted of sadness and bitterness. Maybe that was just me though. **

**I found my spot on the floor again and I finally realized how truly alone in the world I was now without my best friend. **

**"What did he look like?" I asked Eli, not taking my eyes off the discolored floor. **

**Eli sighed and shook his head, "I don't know how to explain it."**

**I sighed back and nodded once to indicate I understood. **

**"This is my fault," Dallas said in a whisper. **

**I turned to him and shook my head no. **

**A tear fell from his eye as the bell rang and stood up. **

**He walked away angrily and I wanted to get up but I couldn't feel my legs. Or my arms. **


	2. Emotions Run High

**When Clare came and found Eli she coaxed me to get up and come eat lunch with them. **

**It was weird, suddenly all these people I never talked to told me they'd be there for me. **

**That they had my back. **

**The hockey team was in the gym when we passed it. I thanked Clare and Eli for their kindness and they told me if I needed anything they would help me. **

**The only people that really understood was my family, and they were so far away right now. I wondered how my mom and dad and brothers were holding up with this news. I wished I could be with them. **

**As I approached the hockey team they all looked at me solemnly and I could see the sadness in each persons eyes. I sat down next to Owen and he put his arm around my shoulders and I fell into place. The guys were a family, and Cam was part of their family. I happened to be the only sibling of a player initiated into that family. They were the only people here who could understand my grief on a personal level. **

**Not even Maya understood. **

**Maya. **

**I hadn't even bothered to check on her. But she had her own friends, her own family to console her. I had the hockey team and that was it. **

**I looked to my right and saw Luke Baker sitting there, almost as if protecting me. It was nice to feel welcomed into this group, and it was nice they cared. We sat in silence, and it was almost deafening.**

**"Where's Dallas?" I asked sitting up from Owen's comforting arms. **

**"We don't know. He went biserk," Luke said with a shrug. **

**"What do you mean," I asked quietly. **

**"I saw him yelling at Alli maybe an hour ago. He threw a trash can at one of the show cases and stormed off," Luke explained in a strong, quiet voice. **

**"Thanks for everything guys," I said quietly to them. **

**"We're here for you little Saunders," Owen said in a sad voice. **

**My eyes filled with tears and I nodded a thank you. It was one of only condolences that would truly mean anything. **

**I made my way up a few flights of stairs and pushed the door to the roof open. "Drowning your sorrows captain?" I asked as I saw empty beer cans scattered about the roof and Dallas laying there holding one in his hand. **

**"It feels like the only thing I can do," he said quietly. **

**I sat down next to him and took the last beer from his six pack and shrugged. "Why are you beating yourself up about this?"**

**He looked questioningly as I took a beer and then looked down at the ground. "It's my fault he did it. I pushed him to hard, I kept pushing an pushing him," He said sadly as he finished his last beer. "I didn't care, I didn't see how hurt he was. I just kept yelling at him."**

**"Dallas, you're going to feel bad... But it's not your fault. You yelled at him, but you didn't know what was wrong," I said as I rested my hand on his arm and tried comforting him. "Try this one on for size. I saw him crying yesterday. Worst of all, I saw him leaving the house last night. I thought he was going to see Maya, how dumb could I be?" I asked as tears welled up in my eyes and a sensation of pain built up in my chest. It felt like it was right at my heart. I chugged half the beer. **

**"You didn't know he was going to ki-" Dallas stopped in mid sentence and I realized how sad the air tasted up here too. How I felt like I was never going to escape the air being heavy and hard to breathe. **

**"I want to cry, but I don't think I can cry anymore today. I feel like I've cried enough to fill up a gallon water bottle," I said after a long silence. I finished the beer and he looked at me and I could see an overwhelming sadness in his eyes. **

**Dallas stood up and walked nearer to the edge of the roof. "I might as well jump while I'm up here. I killed Cam, everyone's grieving over him, but no one would miss me if I was gone," he stated in a tense, hard voice. **

**"Dallas, stop, this isn't your fault," I stated as I moved closer to him. **

**"Yeah? No matter how many times you say that it won't take away this feeling of guilt in my stomach!" He said yelling. "I knew he was hurting and I pushed him too hard!"**

**"I don't know what to say Dallas," I said grabbing his hand and pulling him closer to the middle of the roof. "It wasn't your fault. I feel like it's my fault but if I keep telling myself I didn't know than that feeling will go away. How were we supposed to know what he was going to do? I'd we knew we would've stopped him and that's all that we have to focus on now, okay?" I said as I pulled him down to sit down. **

**For the first time someone fell into my shoulder crying, and it was the last person I ever expected. Suddenly, Mike Dallas didn't seem so hard. **

**I stood emotionless in the front of the crowd as we were getting ready for Maya to speak at the candlelight vigil. Half of the hockey team was around me, which comforted me a little. The student council asked me if I wanted to speak, I don't think I could've made it through two words without breaking down into tears. **

**I watched Maya walk up to the top of the staircase and I felt a little relief knowing I could hear some good things about my brother. **

**"This is so stupid. This is so... Stupid. Cam doesn't deserve a candlelight vigil. He made a choice- it was the wrong one, but us standing here... Feeling sad like this, everyone blaming themselves, feeling guilty. It's no ones fault. I mean it's his fault!"**

**"Maya, he was sick," Katie said trying to calm her sister down. **

**"Well, he should've fought!" Maya retaliated. **

**"He was really sick," Katie said. **

**"He should've fought harder or found someone to help! I would've helped him but he didn't give me a chance! Cam had so many reasons to stay, but instead, he checked out. Well fine, but I'm not lighting any candles. And I won't cry- I won't."**

**We stood there in silence and I felt rage pulse it's way through my body. I made my way up the stairs and I slapped her. **

**"You're so selfish," I said quietly. "Did you even care about him?! Did you even love him?!" I said starting quiet and getting louder until I was yelling. "You're saying you won't cry, will you even miss him?!" I asked getting in her face. Dallas came and pulled me back and Principal Simpson stood between us. **

**"I think you need to go home, or go cool off," he said staring at me as Maya ran down the stairs. I stormed into the school and I knew someone was going to follow me. **

**"Jaydon! You have to calm down," I heard a voice behind me say. It was too sensible to be any of the hockey boys. I turned around and saw Owen. I was wrong. My fists were clenched and my breathing was heavy. **

**"Calm down? All day long I've been sobbing over the loss of my brother. HE'S GONE. She can't even show an ounce of respect for him? She didn't have to speak! Did she love him?! Did she even care about him? She didn't have to speak! If that's all she had to say then she should've taken it somewhere else," I screamed at him as if he were the one that did it. "She could've at least pretended she was sad!" **

**Owen moved closer to me as I was breathing rather heavily and trembling. My fists were still clenched tightly. My nails were digging into my palms and soon I felt a little bit of blood run through my fingers. I leaned against the wall and Owen looked at my hands. **

**"Stay here... Okay?" He asked. I nodded and he disappeared down the hall. A few moments later he came back and had a bunch of paper towels from the bathroom and wrapped each hand. **

**"You have to calm down," he said as he was wrapping my second hand. "It's hard on you... But it's hard on everyone. People grieve differently, and I'm not saying Maya was right to say that, but she may not be thinking straight," he said as finished up. "We have to get through this together, but you're so used to doing things on your own. You don't have to be on your own for this one," he said in a gentle voice looking me in the eyes. **

**I nodded and looked down at my hands and sighed. "I just don't know what I'm going to do without him. He was not only my big brother, but my best friend. I feel so lost without him already," I said in a small voice. I choked on tears and Owen sighed. **

**"It's day one, things get easier with time, I promise," he said as he put his arm around my shoulders. "Come on, I'll take you home," he finished as he led me to the steps. Everyone was still gathered and they were lighting candles. It was a beautiful sight to see. **

**I pulled away from Owen and walked to the microphone. "I'm truly sorry to everyone for the way I just behaved. Thank you so much for honoring my big brother-" I started choking on tears and my voice changed but I tried to finish. "He would've been truly grateful for each and everyone of you," I finished and walked back over to Owen. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder again and I buried my face in the paper towels wrapped around my hands. **

**I felt looked out after I reached the crowd and people were patting me on the back, but Dallas and Luke joined Owen and I and the four of us made our way to the car without a word and even though I didn't have my big brother, I still kinda felt safe.**


	3. Something Unexpected

When I got home there were police cars and a few people searching through Cam's stuff. I went to go into his room, but someone stopped me.

"Please sir, I just need something. Please." I said with a hint of desperation in my voice. He sighed and I ran in to Cam's room and grabbed his Ice Hounds sweatshirt and the blanket he slept under every night.

"Excuse me, are you Jaydon?" Asked a tall man as I was making my way to the door.

"Yes," I said quietly.

He looked at me silently and handed me a CD with note taped to it. It said my name in Cam's handwriting. I gave him a small nod and stared at it in disbelief.

I walked to my room and sat on my bed. I put his Ice Hounds sweatshirt on and wrapped the blanket around myself. I then looked at the CD and note questioningly. I almost didn't trust it.

I opened the note: "Jaydon, put this DVD in your computer, make sure you have time to watch all of it and absorb it."

So it was a DVD.

I put it in my computer and pulled the blanket tight around me. I pressed play.

"Hello young one," Cam said with a small smile on his face. Tears formed in my eyes.

"I'm sorry for what I did, if everything worked out how I planned it too. The hardest person to leave behind was you. I know how strong you are though, and you'll get through this. I was just... So sad. And I was such a screw up. I couldn't live with myself any more and I didn't want anyone to live with my mistakes. I didn't want to hurt you, Maya, the hockey team, the rest of the family. It was hard to live with myself. But you are strong. You are smart, and you have your whole life ahead of you. I have two requests for you, make sure you get my Ice Hounds jacket and sweatshirt. My sweatshirt is in my closet and my jacket is under my bed. I left them just for you baby sister. Second, make friends. Find a boyfriend. Open yourself up a little bit. You don't have to do everything on your own. I'm sorry that this is my final goodbye. But I'll see ya someday Jaydon. Goodbye young one, I love you."

The screen turned blank and the tears were streaming down my face. I ran to his room and got past the police officers and got his jacket. I held it tight as if it were the only important thing in this world.

At least that made me feel like I got a little closure, but I'll never understand why he didn't talk to me. Why didn't he say something. We could've helped him.

I sighed and put the jacket on over his sweatshirt I was wearing and I still didn't feel warm. I went and got the hockey phone list that still hung on the fridge and typed a number into my phone.

"Is there anyway you can come over?" I texted.

*Sorry this is so short but I'm really getting into it so if you like it review it and I may just post one more chapter before the nights out!*


	4. Pep Talks in the Dark

*Hi readers :) so I wanted to know if I could get a few reviews! I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a prick, but I just wanna know if people are enjoying it or if no ones reading it... Thanks :)*

I heard the door bell ring about thirty minutes later and I was still wearing Cam's sweatshirt and jacket. The police cars were starting to disperse and the chaos was coming to an end.

Well the chaos of today.

Tomorrow's a new day.

I opened the door and mustered up the best smile I could, "Hey Owen," I said meekly.

"Hey little Saunders, how you holding up?" He asked with concern in his eye.

I just shrugged and took his hand and pulled him towards the couch. I had my computer down in the living room and I showed him the video.

I started crying again and he teared up too. "I'm sorry, but I don't really have any one to talk to, and you were the first person I thought of and-"

He hugged me and shushed me. "Don't be sorry little Saunders," he said in a gentle voice. "I told you I'm here for you, and I know this is rough. Especially watching that. But I told you things will be okay. And apparently I hit the nail on the head when I said you don't have to do this alone. Even your brother said it. So don't ever hesitate to call me or text me. Or Dallas. Maybe Luke, he's not super great with emotions," he said with a small grin.

He was still hugging me and my eyes were still watery but I looked up and gave him a smile. "Thanks. It's comforting to know I'll always have someone."

"Dallas and I may seem tough but we can have emotions too," he joked.

I gave a small laugh and nodded, "If you say so Milligan."

I let go and sat back on the couch. "Can you stay here tonight? I know that might sound weird, but my billet family went to Kapuskasing and I don't think I can be here alone," I said looking at him hopefully. I really didn't want to be alone in this house, or anywhere actually.

"Would your billet family be okay with that?" He asked in a curious tone.

"Yeah, they know you and trust you," I said knowing they wouldn't have any problem with it.

He took off his jacket and shrugged, "Sure, it's fine with me. I told ya little Saunders, I'm not gonna leave you alone," he said giving me a genuine smile.

"Thanks," I said gratefully and I leaned my head back and closed my eyes.

"Tired?" He asked.

"After today I'm physically and emotionally drained," I said defeated as I rubbed my eyes.

Owen pulled a pillow from the middle of the couch and set it against his leg. He put his feet up and lightly patted the pillow suggesting I lay there. I thought nothing of it and laid my head down and sighed. Owen pulled the blanket off of the couch and laid it on me. He was stroking my hair and before I knew it I had fallen asleep.

Owen shook me to wake me up and I looked up at him surprised. "What? What's wrong?" I asked. I was in a cold sweat and my hands wouldn't stop trembling, but I couldn't remember what I was dreaming about.

"You were screaming and you started thrashing around and to be honest I think you were having a nightmare," he said still stroking my hair and trying to calm me down.

I sat up and I had Cam's jacket and sweatshirt on with the blanket. I pushed the blanket down only so it was covering my legs and sat up. I looked at the clock and realized it was one in the morning.

"Did you sleep at all?" I asked looking to him.

He shrugged, "I was in and out, but not really. I'm used to not sleeping much anyways," he said nonchalantly.

My stomach lurched and it was loud enough for Owen to hear. He laughed and I covered my face in embarrassment. "Hungry little Saunders?" He asked snickering.

The thought of food at that time made me sick, but I hadn't eaten since the night before, and I had to put something in my stomach.

I shrugged and curled up not wanting to move.

"Hey, listen, you have to eat," Owen then said genuinely concerned for me at that moment.

I leaned my head on his shoulder and shook it, "I don't know Owen, I just don't know if I can do anything. I feel so sad, like I don't wanna function. I know he said I have to be strong, but at the same time I just don't know if I can,"

"Am I gonna have to give you a pep talk every few hours?" He asked jokingly.

I wanted to crack a smile but I couldn't. His lips turned to a frown and we both stared straight on at the wall far away from us. After a while he broke the silence.

"Think of it like this, have you ever broken a bone?" He asked.

I thought about if for a moment and nodded.

"Well, you don't expect to just heal the next day right? You have to give it time. Let the bone heal, and that takes a few weeks, and heck for some people even a few months," he stopped and rubbed his neck, as if he were trying to think about the words coming from his mouth. He had a bit of a look of discomfort on his face, but he continued.

"The heart may not be a bone, but it's pretty clear that yours is broken. It's not gonna heal over night. Your gonna need to give it time, be gentle on it, and mend it back to good health. And even after you break a bone it's not the same, but you can use it again. Same with your heart. It won't be the same, but you can use it again," his sentence dropped off near the end and he looked down at his feet.

He seemed so different from the Owen I had seen on the ice and around the Ice Hounds.

I looked to my left and a picture of Cam stared back at me and I looked back over at Owen and gave him a small smile.

"Who are you and what have you done with Owen Milligan?" I asked jokingly.

"I mean, I'm not a huge jerk all the time little Saunders, I just don't like to look weak in front of the guys," he said shrugging with a small grin.

I nodded to him and stretched my legs and finally stood up. "I guess we should try eating?" I asked him with a small shrug.

"That's the spirit," he grinned at me.


	5. Mutual Sadness

The next day I woke up with Owen so he could go to hockey practice. I wanted to go with him, to be where Cam may not have always loved it, but where he was the best. And someone needed to get the stuff he left there.

I went up to my room and changed and luckily Owen had a change of clothes in his car.

I looked a mess in my sweatpants and Cam's sweatshirt, but I was lucky to even be going anywhere let alone to be looking nice. We met at the front door and he put his arm around me and we made our way to his car.

He opened the passenger side door for me and I got in and threw my backpack in the back seat. When he got in he turned on the car and we drove in silence. When we got there he parked and we sat in silence for a moment.

"Ready to go in?" He asked.

"No," I said with a frown. He shook his head and got out. Just as I was about to open the door he opened it for me.

"Come on Jaydon," he said gently as he put his arm around my shoulders.

"Is this going to be a common occurrence? Everywhere we go?" I asked pointing at his arm with a small smile.

He started pulling it away but I grabbed it and pulled it back. "Sorry I didn't mean that in a bad way, it's nice. It makes me feel... Protected," I said reassuringly.

He nodded and pulled the door open and let me walk in but as soon as he walked through he took his position by my side.

Even being thrown together by mutual sadness, for the need of someone by my side, it felt like it was the right person. He led me to the locker room and checked to see if anyone was getting dressed. He waved me on and we saw Dallas there and that was it, apparently it was early.

Dallas didn't hear us and he had his face in his hands, sitting in front of Cam's locker. I sat next to him and wrapped my arms around him, but the barely made it around.

He looked up and looked into my eyes.

"I still don't know how to apologize to you and your family for what I've done," he said in almost a whisper.

"You didn't do anything Dallas, just know that," I said to him and squeezed him in as strong of an embrace as I could as Owen rested his hand on Dallas' shoulder.

I gathered Cam's stuff as Owen and Dallas got ready and pretty soon there were more and more guys coming in and I got out and sat in the stands. The coach didn't push them very hard, and he didn't make them practice very long either. He talked to them about Cam and I sat and looked at the ice.

I just sat there, even after they had gone into the locker room and finally Owen came and got me. He had a bag of gear on each shoulder and I looked at the one with Cam's name embroidered in it and sighed.

"Are you sure you can go to school today Jaydon?" He asked.

I shrugged and stood up, "I'll always be sad, so why miss school to be sad alone," I stated.

He put his arm around me and we made our way together to the car.

"I'd always hoped we'd be forced to spend some time together, but not like this," he said when we reached the car.

I opened my mouth to ask him a question but as soon as I sat down he closed the door. As soon as he got in the car he turned the radio down and I wondered if Owen Milligan was maybe the wrong person to be comforting me 24-7 on the death of my brother.

But then I shook it off because I still couldn't imagine anyone else comforting me.

I didn't say anymore to Owen about what he said, but his words echoed in my mind.

Owen walked me to every class and waited for me at the end of each class. He really wasn't going to ever let me feel alone, and it was nice.

Especially when I couldn't focus on my classes. During lunch I pushed food around on my plate and he looked at me concerned.

"You need to eat," he said trying to coax me to eat.

"Hey Milligan, are you trying to dare her or baby sit her?"

We both looked up and I wasn't sure who the guy was, but in a matter of 30 seconds he was on the floor with a bloody nose and Owen practically on top of him.

The rest of the hockey team had to run over to where we were and Luke pulled Owen off the kid. I looked around and Simpson was on his way over.

I pushed Owen away from the kid and found myself looking up at him with my hands on his chest.

"Calm down," I said in a light tone. "You're not allowed to be the crazy one. Someone has to keep me sane," I said trying to get him to relax.

His facial expression relaxed and his body wasn't nearly as tense.

"My office, you, you, and you," Simpson said pointing to Owen, Luke, and myself.

I sighed and we followed orders.

It seemed like a flash back to when Cam punched Zig in the eye except this time it was three against one.

"What happened?" Simpson asked.

"He just punched me and went nuts!" The kids said holding a towel to his nose.

Owen shrugged and Luke shook his head no.

"Well Miss Saunders?" He asked.

"He provoked Owen," I said pointing to the kid.

Simpson sighed and put his hands on his head.

"Owen, detention tomorrow morning. You guys get out of my office. Except you Jaydon,"

I waited till they all left and I took a seat in front of Simpsons desk.

"Are you sure you're ready to be here?" He asked me raising an eyebrow.

"My billet family is back in my home town. If I stayed home all I would have is myself and Cam's ghost and I can't handle that right now sir," I said frowning and looking down at my lap.

He sighed and nodded. "Alright, if you ever need anything come talk to me. And please, try and stay out of trouble," he finished.

I nodded and left. When I walked out I saw Owen there and we didn't say a word to each other. He just put his arm around me and I sighed.

'Cam, I miss you so much' I thought to myself.


	6. Other ways to deal with grief

Owen and I went straight to his car after school and started to make our way to his house.

"Don't you have hockey practice?" I asked knowing that skipping is practically against the law for them.

"Coach cancelled it for the night. This morning we all weren't really in spirits to play, but we have to get back on the ice tomorrow," he said as he parked in front of his house.

"If you want you can come inside," he said as he started getting out of the car.

I looked down and I grimaced a little. I was in no way, shape, or form ready to meet any ones family. He could tell what I was thinking though and he came to the other side of the car and opened the door for me.

"No ones home, in case that influences your decision," he said with a small grin and I slowly got out of the car.

Everything seemed so slow. Time just dragged on and on and nothing seemed to really make me feel happy or alive.

That's it. For the past two days I had felt entirely numb. Void of any emotion. It was weird, especially since I was generally a happy, logical, and emotional person.

As we made our way into his house I followed Owen up to his bedroom and I sat down on his bed. I watched him go through his motions and do what he needed to do and I wanted to feel something other than sadness.

His words echoed in my head. "I'd always hoped we'd be forced to spend some time together, but not like this."

I shook my head when I realized he had been sitting next to me. How long had he been sitting there looking at me.

"Have you talked to a councilor?" He asked me.

"How long was I sitting there?" I asked still staring at his wall.

"About ten minutes," he said guessing.

All of a sudden, I really didn't know what I was doing but I leaned up and kissed him.

His body tensed up and he didn't know how to react. But I didn't pull away. I was waiting for the pit of my stomach to feel something.

I was starting to get frustrated at myself when I wasn't feeling happy but I stayed where I was. He relaxed into the kiss and wrapped his arms around my waist. His arms practically went around me twice and he pulled me in close. After about a minute he then tensed up again and jerked away.

"No, no. That can't happen," he said as he jumped up and ran his hand through his hair.

I stood up angrily and retaliated back. "Why not? I was feeling something,"

"But Cam, he was like a little brother. And I don't know it's just, he would not be okay with this. I mean I don't know," Owen said nervously pacing back and forth.

I stood in front of him and put both of my hands on his chest and looked up at him, trying to calm him down.

He looked into my eyes and visibly relaxed and a small smile appeared on his face.

"Listen, I can't go a day without emotion. I need to feel something good, and this sadness is just to overwhelming. I need something happy in my life," I said not thinking.

He just looked down at me with a smile, but his eyes looked confused. He sighed and then hugged me. I hugged him back tightly and closed my eyes.

"How about for now this is our secret?" Owen said after a while. "We need to figure stuff out. I'm here to comfort you in anyway you need me too, but I need to make sure this isn't because you're sad," he said putting his fingers gently on my chin. "I'm not saying you're trying to hurt me, but I just don't want either of us to be hurt if we don't need to be."

I looked into his eyes for what seemed like forever and finally nodded. He leaned over and kissed my forehead and for the first time not only since Cam's death, but since I moved to Degrassi, I didn't feel so alone.

We made our way to my house and my stomach lurched again, and now I realized I had only had one meal in the past 48 hours. Owen put his hand on my stomach and his entire hand covered all of it.

"We need to get food in you- stat." He said with a grin.

I laughed lightly and shook my head.

"I'm okay," I started. "To be honest I just want to lay down."

He looked at me skeptically and shrugged. "Alright, how about this, you go lay down in your bed and I'll bring you food?"

I shook my head. "You don't have to do that," I said to him.

"Someone had to make sure you stay healthy. We need you around," he said lightly as he walked to the kitchen before I could protest.

I went upstairs and I opened Cam's door. It felt cold in his room. I walked in and sat on his bed. I laid down and before I could think about anything I fell asleep.

(Owen's POV)

I wandered around Jaydon's kitchen trying to find where everything was. I wasn't really much for cooking, but the girl hasn't really eaten much in the past two days.

I pulled a pan out from under the counter and leaned against it. I just thought about the conversation I had with her brother a little over three weeks ago.

(Flashback)

As we were preparing for a game that was absolutely crucial to us making playoffs I prayed that she would be in the stands.

She was my good luck charm, and she didn't even know it.

I guess it is a little weird because I'm about three years older than her, but it's not like I meant to fall in love with her.

She just kinda worked her way under my skin.

I smiled as I saw her and her billet family sit in the stands. She didn't notice me looking at her. I don't think I had ever spent more than a few minutes alone with her.

"Hey Jaydon!" Cam yelled up to his sister. She stood up and waved, and she looked so funny in his extra hockey jersey. It was way too big on her, but it was cute.

We got in to places and the game started. I played my best game ever, but I knew I would play good.

As we made our way into the locker room everyone was so pumped, but they also changed fast. Cam and I were the only ones left.

"So... Cam," I said as I rubbed the back of my head and looked over at him.

He looked at me and raised his eyebrows, "What's up man?" He asked in a light-hearted tone. I'm glad we had won.

"So, I mean, I don't really know how to go about asking what I'm asking... But how would you feel if I asked your sister out on a date?" I said pretty straight-forward.

His eyes got wide and he looked a bit confused. "Well that came out of nowhere. Um..." He hesitated. "I mean, as long as you don't hurt her man. She's my best friend, and if you hurt her I'd have to kill you," he said shrugging. "But I mean, what brought this on? Do you guys even talk?"

I shrugged and continued packing up my stuff. "I don't know, I mean, she's been hanging out with us, and she seems cool. I don't know, she just seems... Different."

"She is, that's why I need you to promise me you won't hurt her," Cam said looking me straight in the eye.

We locked eyes and I knew he was being completely honest. "I promise man. I won't hurt her,"

He nodded and we had come to a mutual agreement.

(Flashback over)

I never did it while he was alive though. I should've, I'm sure he would've liked to see his sister happy. This isn't just random, I've wanted this for a couple months now, and I just didn't want to be the guy that comforted her and when she felt like she could work on her own she'd be back to not really acknowledging me.

"Come on man, she's not like that," I thought to myself. I made a few grilled cheeses and grabbed two bottles of water. I took them up to her room and opened the door. She wasn't there. I stood confused for a moment before I made my way to Cam's room.

"Jaydon," I said in a whisper.

She woke up and she looked so sleepy. "Follow me," I took her to her bedroom and she laid on her bed. I set the water and sandwiches on her desk and laid next to her. I pulled her close and she laid her head on my chest.

If it were up to me, not only would I not hurt this girl, I'd make sure she was nothing but happy for the rest of her life.


	7. He Had So Many Reasons to Stay

(Jaydon's POV)

It had now been a week since Cam's death. It wasn't getting any easier, and the weight loss was completely noticeable already. I looked fatigued and I wasn't getting much sleep, especially the one night I tried to sleep without Owen there. That was bad, and from then on out he stayed at my house, and neither of our families really seemed to have a problem with it.

As I was getting dressed for Cam's funeral I frowned. This would be the first time I had talked to Maya since. I didn't really know what to say to her. I didn't know if I was in the wrong or not, everything still seemed like a dream to me.

As I struggled with the zipper of my dress Owen knocked on the door. I let him in and turned around and pointed at my zipper. He laughed and pulled it up.

"I'm so dependent on you," I said sadly leaning into him. He accepted me and embraced me tightly.

"You are still in shock and getting over it, you're just confused. Not dependent," He said gently rubbing my back.

I honestly don't know how I would've made it through this past week without him. He had been there with me practically 24-7.

I sighed.

"What is it?" He asked pulling away just enough to be able to look down at me.

"I have to see Maya today," I said quietly looking down at my feet.

He pursed his lips and shrugged, "Guess you guys will have to talk this out at some point. I'm sure she's sad Jaydon."

"Then why'd she say all that stuff. Why couldn't she just not talk? Why didn't she care about him?" I asked looking at him with watery eyes.

He knew the water works were coming and he shook his head. He didn't answer but rather took both of his thumbs and ran them under my eyes to stop the tears.

I smiled weakly at him and we almost had an unspoken conversation. It was so nice to have someone when I needed them.

I wished then that Cam was there. If Cam were here my life would be perfect. Owen and Cam were the only two people I needed in my life. Guess I couldn't have both.

As we made our way to the funeral I felt myself finding it harder to breathe. The air felt like it was getting thicker. Owen took my hand as he was driving and kissed it.

"Are you sure you're gonna be okay?" He asked, concern in his tone.

I nodded and even if I wasn't I had to go. Maybe this would stop the nightmares or give me some type of closure. Something so things could feel a little normal again.

We walked in the building and my family and billet family had already been there for about an hour. I ran over to my mom and dad and hugged them tightly. They hugged me back and my moms face was already wet with tears.

"Maybe you should go talk to Maya, honey," my mom said in a quiet tone. I peeked in the door and saw quite a few people in there already. Maya sat in the back with her head hanging.

I looked to my billet family and the were greeting people as they walked in and they saw me and Owen. My billet mother came over and hugged me. I was so thankful for them because even though Cam wasn't going to be with them anymore they said I could still live with them.

I knew I couldn't just leave Degrassi now. I wasn't about to leave my brother behind. And I don't think I could survive at home without Owen.

I made my way into the room where Cam's viewing and service were going to be and sat down next to Maya. I looked up at Owen and signaled for him to go away and he walked over to Dallas and Luke who had already arrived.

"Have you gone up yet?" I asked quietly looking over at her.

She shook her head and finally looked up at me. I could see the fatigue on her face, the bags around her eyes, and the cloudy look in her eyes. My eyes teared up and I leaned over and hugged her.

"I'm so sorry for what I said," I said quietly to her.

Her arms slowly made their way around me and soon she tightly hugged me. Her voice was shaky and a little raspy, "I'm sorry for what I said. I shouldn't have done it. I just don't know why he just... Didn't talk to one of us."

My heart practically broke all over again. I pulled away and looked her in the eyes.

"Lets go," I said standing up and offering her my hand. She took it and we walked up to his casket together.

He looked so pale, so peaceful, so calm. At least he could be happy now.

But then I noticed it. I looked over to Maya and her eyes were glued on it.

No matter how hard they tried to cover it up, we saw the giant black and blue mark with the pattern that only a rope could make. My knees felt weak and I fell to the ground crying. Owen ran over at some point and pulled me up. He pulled me into an embrace and led me away from the casket and to a different, smaller, more private room. All I could see in my mind was Cam, hanging from a rope in the greenhouse.

I had never imagined it until today. How he did it. Unless that's what my dreams were about.

I finally pulled myself together enough to stop crying.

"Where's Maya?" I asked with a raspy voice.

"Zig took her somewhere I think," Owen said.

"I saw the bruise and all I could think was him, hanging..." I said trailing off.

Owen started rubbing my back and thinking. "But it was quick they said," he whispered. "It's not a good thing, but at least he wasn't in pain."

I thought of it and I sighed. Even if it was a terrible bright side, there were a lot worse ways he could've gone. The image still burned in my head but I wiped my face and tried to shake it off.

"Ready to go back in?" He asked patiently.

I nodded and took his hand. He squeezed mine and I held tight on to his. Feeling as if I let Owen go at any moment he would be gone too. We stopped and the door way and I took a deep breath. He kissed my forehead and we walked in. Mostly everyone was seated and the room was so packed barely anybody could move, but we were saved two seats up front.

"Cam had a million reasons to stay, but instead he checked out,"

I looked around as Maya's words echoed in my ear. He had so many reasons to stay.

I looked at Maya and she sat leaning on Zig, looking so small and weak. I saw her tears.

I sighed and more tears fell even before the service began.


	8. A Silver Lining

A month after Cam's death I still found myself feeling sad, guilty, angry, and frustrated.

The only thing that brought me any shed of light was Owen. He had accumulated a ton of clothes at my house and it actually looked like he was living there.

I laid looking up at the ceiling the night that marked one month and I looked over at the clock.

12:57.

I looked at the ceiling and closed my eyes. All I could see was Cam walking through my bedroom door and asking to talk. I imagined all the people at his funeral.

So many people miss him.

But without my brother I felt like a wasteland. And further more I felt like a piece of shit for not stopping him that night.

I didn't realize I had started crying when I felt a strong hand reach over and wipe my tears away. I looked over and Owen's eyes were only half open as he rested his hand on my cheek.

"I hate it when I see a beautiful girl crying," he said in a whisper and pulled himself up to a sitting position.

I smiled and shook my head.

"I was thinking," I started.

"Tell me something new," he said wrapping his arms around me and pulling me close. He made me feel so protected. Loved. Wanted.

"You are the only reason I'm here," I said lightly.

"What?" Owen asked looking down at me.

"The night Cam killed himself, he should've killed me first. That's the first thought that came to my mind. But you've changed that. You're the only reason I like being alive right now," I said honestly. This was one of the only things I never told him.

He hugged me tightly and kissed my forehead.

"Don't say that," he said in a weak voice. It was weird. I turned to him and I saw his eyes were watery. "I was in love with you as soon as I saw you at the first hockey game. You were up in the stands in one of Cam's oversized hockey shirts, like always. That day I played one of the best games ever, and I only played well when you were at the games. You were my good luck charm and you didn't even know it. When I found out you were a niner I still didn't care," he said jokingly. I giggled lightly. "This past month has been the saddest and happiest month of my life. I lost a brother, but I gained something just as valuable. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Cam's replaceable, but you're a different category. And I think my wording is off because I'm tired, but what I'm saying is I can't imagine my life without you. Now that I have you I'm never letting you go. And if you died..." He trailed off and leaned his head against mine and a tear fell off his face onto my arm.

This was the most vulnerable I'd ever seen him. It made my heart hurt to see him sad, but it made me so happy because I knew there was a reason I was still here.

"Thank you for making me feel like I belong here," I said. And with that I leaned in and kissed him. I pulled away for a moment to wipe any of his stray tears.

"Feels good to feel useful for once," I said jokingly with a grin.

He laughed lightly and leaned in and kissed me.

I think this is what it's like to feel like a normal teenager. In that moment I was happy, and I was beginning to know what it felt like to fall in love with someone.

It's hard not to fall in love with someone when they loved you at your worst.

Hearing what Owen said to me and the fact that I was in his arms made me fall asleep so easily.

' "Jaydon! Young one!" Cam said bursting into my room with a smile.

I shot up in my bed and his eyes flickered between Owen and I. His smile faltered a bit.

"Cam! I've missed you!" I said.

I tried to move but my legs wouldn't. He made his way to me. Owen didn't wake up.

"Jaydon, what are you guys doing?"

"Listen, Cam, I haven't gotten a solid nights sleep since about a month ago. But it would be even worse if Owen wasn't here."

He gave me a skeptical look and put his hand on the top of my head. "Of course young one," he said as his skeptical look resolved back into a smile. "Owen's a good guy, he'll treat you right," Cam said smiling.

I smiled and nodded. "I know big brother," I paused for a moment. "Why'd you leave us? There were so many people hurt by what you did. We need you here... You know, alive."

Cam sighed and pursed his lips. "I'm sorry Jaydon, but I told you. I was sad and hurting. I don't like what you've been doing to yourself. You need to eat," he said. He poked my side, which was admittedly smaller. I giggled lightly and felt happy for the first time in what felt like years.

"I wish you could come back to us," I said lightly.

He shrugged. "I have to go young one. I'll visit you again," Cam said smiling. "Remember, I love you."

I smiled lightly and he walked out the door.'

I sat up groggily and looked at my window. The sun made it's way through the blinds and I squinted.

I looked at my alarm clock and it read 11 A.M. I smiled widely.

The first night I slept through entirely.

Owen sat up and looked at me. "Good morning sunshine."

I smiled at him. "Did I do anything in my sleep?" I asked.

"No, well I mean, no screaming or thrashing," he said. Realization hit his face. "You slept through the night!"

I hugged him and smiled. It seemed so irrelevant to anyone else, but it made me feel so good. Cam was watching over me.

"He visited my dream. He talked to me," I said with a smile. "I remember it so vividly and it was just... It felt like that was the closure I wanted at the funeral," I said lightly. "I needed some sort of goodbye. He said he'll visit again. That sounds crazy, but I saw him, talked to him, had some sort of goodbye," I said.

Owen hugged me and pulled me in for a kiss. "Things can only look up from here beautiful,"

"What if they don't?" I asked raising an eyebrow.

"Well I'll be here either way," he said in a happy tone.

(I can't believe I'm completing this story already, but tell me what you thought and if you have any requests, ideas, or if you want me to put you in a story you might just get lucky :) thanks for reading!)


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